Pictures with thoughts

Hello. I wanted to share some photos. I was driving home after a pharmacology exam the other day, and I was overcome with tears as I drove looking at what the ice fog had done to the trees. It was so pretty. I only thought of mom the entire time. I ventured out in her old red Jeep on the icy roads to snap some pictures. I only wish she could have been with me, as I know she would have had a nice time, or be stressed with me driving on ice! Although she would have been the one driving. Either way, it was peaceful for me as I went into the middle of nowhere. Just me and God. Not a soul could hear me or see me. I just needed to be alone and at peace for just a little while. I ended up driving down to Darlington to place some Christmas flowers on her grave. I knelt down and could not bring myself to leave. It was the first time I had gone down there alone. It was not until the tears froze to my cheeks that I knew I needed to move on. But I wanted that feeling of peace, and that was where I felt it. Nobody or no place else could bring that to me. I just needed and wanted to be there. The smiles and laughs I have are still fake, because I am not smiling or laughing on the inside. It may be some time before those things are genuine again. I just kind of take things in stride, and at times I do not feel like myself, or act like myself. One minute I am fine, the next I am someone completely different. I go through phases it seems. None of which are pleasant for me. People see me and think I am doing ok. But if they only knew that I still cry out and question everything in this world. If they saw the hole in my heart and how cheated I feel. If they only knew the world feels dark and cold to me still. I am just living. I am not exactly enjoying it. And I am not exactly in a depression. My faith is still alive. I find myself talking to God more than I used to. I am still searching for answers. The one question I continually ask Him is if my mom is ok. If she is with Him. Sometimes I get an answer. Sometimes I get nothing. What I have heard is "yes," and "I'm fine." Whether that is my imagination playing with my emotions, or true answers, I will never know. I don't feel angry. I don't feel I need to act out, or hide in a corner. I feel peace many times. And heartache. I do not have a ghost in the house. No unusual noises. No feelings of coldness or a breeze in a still warm room. Sometimes I feel as though I am not honoring her. But then I realize that the way I can honor her is to get my degrees, yup, that is plural, because I decided to get 2 (technically I will graduate with 3). Get my degrees and get into the field and start protecting my patients from the very profession that killed my mom. That is how I will honor my mom. Anyhow, I am also posting a picture of some flowers that mom received at the funeral. Thanks for reading all my thoughts. I still need support and I am still very much mourning my mom.